It’s Friday! It’s time to go to your favorite grocery store and report to your cashier about your plans for the weekend! Don’t tell me you go to one of those rogue grocery stores that isn’t on board with the new trend of instructing all their cashiers to poll each and every customer about their plans. Then you really need to switch stores! Because it’s fun!
Look, you could tell them the truth. They hear truth all day long and it is slowly sucking the soul right out of them. Look into their eyes. They do not want to hear about your errands, your in-law visit, your soccer games. They are up to here with soccer games. It’s time to brighten their day.
I will give you some pointers. You can use these, or make up your own.
- Glad you asked! I’m building an ark in my backyard using old election yard signs! Come on by!
- Glad you asked! I’m developing my inner sonar by learning how to drive blindfolded! Want to ride shotgun?
- Glad you asked! I’m making my own stuffed animals using my body hair collection!
- Glad you asked! I’m starting a new cult! Want to get in on the ground level? I have an opening for a tiara polisher.
- Glad you asked! I’m teaching a seminar on turning your disused shed into your own abattoir! There will be breakout sessions on bone burning and soap making!
- Glad you asked! We will be digging a moat around our house. Do you have any alligators?
- Glad you asked! We will be going to our daughter’s soccer game. Did I say soccer? I meant duel to the death. She got into a little tiff with the neighbor girl. They’ve chosen broadswords at dawn. That’s the reason for these Band-Aids. She likes the kitty cat ones.
- Glad you asked! We will be rampaging through the countryside Mad Max style. Murdering!
- Glad you asked! We saw this enormous spider in our house so we will be burning it down. Better safe than icked out to the max. Come by! Bring marshmallows!
- Glad you asked! We will be gathering all the neighborhood crows and driving them to the local republican headquarters.
- Glad you asked! We are going to brunch and then attending a chainsaw massacre.
- Glad you asked! We are putting on prom dresses and riding Segways through town singing Neil Diamond’s hits.
- Glad you asked! I am going to ask my tattoo artist if he can do gifs.
- Glad you asked! I am going to get a tattoo of Keanu Reeves’ English accent in Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
I hope that's enough to get you started. Report back to me with your plans.