What I Can Guarantee RE: Your Baby

Hello. I understand that I am entering my grandmotherly years, and to many I may already resemble a grandmother, whether because of my chubby cheeks, or my jolly demeanor. However, I feel it incumbent upon me to lay down some ground rules as to how grandmotherly I am able to act vis à vis your small human offspring.

1.     I WILL be polite to your baby.  I will refrain from deploying swear words in my speech and will not bring up the subjects of procreation activities or the theories regarding the existence of either Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny (FAKE), Sasquatch, or the Tooth Fairy.

2.     I MAY greet your baby. If it seems socially contracted, I may greet your baby with one of the following standard greetings:

a.     How do you do.

b.     Hello, Baby.

c.     Good afternoon, Baby (as appropriate)

d.     Fancy meeting you here.

3.     I MAY compliment your baby’s attire, knowing full well that it had little, perhaps nothing, to do with either its procurement or its donning.

4.     I MAY carry on a short conversation with your baby, if asked a PERTINENT question by said baby.

5.     I WILL NOT engage in undignified gibberish with your baby.

6.     I WILL NOT touch your baby unless circumstances require it, such as the existence of smudges, soil, or rodents on its face. Or to free myself of its grip.

7.     I WILL NOT pick up your baby unless it is blocking an emergency exit.


8.     I WILL rock your baby IF the baby appears fatigued, I am near a rocking chair, and I am fatigued as well. At such an occasion, I MAY smell your baby’s head. Do not be alarmed. I am merely checking for rodents.